Lapse of Judgment
by ultimma.gothicca
Summary: Sequel to : Fearless. Matt just realized how wrong it was to reject him. Matt x Mello; Mello x Near


"_I know it's going to be weird and all, but you know I won't lie to you, right Matt?"_

_"Yeah, I know that Mels. So, what is it?" I barely glanced at his direction, too preoccupied with playing Tekken to actually pay attention to him. I hear him sigh, and felt my mattress move as he took his place beside me. _

_"I love you, Matt. And I don't mean platonic love."_

_"Haha! Very funny dude," Seriously, Mello had a weird sense of humor. I sarcastically rolled my eyes and looked at him, only to freeze midway and drop my controller to the carpeted floor. _

_He doesn't give me a teary eyed look, or some conscience bugging expression like most girls I'd rejected. Blue eyes just delved into mine with all the emotions swimming in them, making me feel nervous, making me feel like this whole ordeal is wrong, wrong, wrong!_

_''Gee, Mels." I scratched my neck, as I avoided the chilly gaze directed at me. The angelic face with fierce features tightened defensively, his page blonde hair covered half of it as he bowed. _

_"I didn't know you feel that way about me, you know. You, me, hearts... " My fingers moved back and forth, and it's stupid since it wouldn't buy me time, it wouldn't help me organize my thoughts, and it wouldn't stop me from saying the stupidest words ever._

_"But too bad, though. I'm straight."_

_There. I said it. _

_That time, those words sounded like it wasn't me. Like the denial, the false morals, all the hypocrisy embedded in me pushed my soul aside to take over my body. It's shocking, I mean this is Mello we're talking about. He calls me his best friend, but I'm more like his slave, doing his every bidding and sometimes disobeying when I know I'll get away with it. Nothing in the way he treats me can be classified as LOVE. _

_"I mean, we can still be friends." _

_Why did I say that? How can we still be friends without being all weird and awkward? For a second, I observe his body language, waiting for a single sign that this is a big ridiculous joke. _

_Please laugh. _

_Please say April Fools even if it isn't April!_

_Just say anything to save us, to save this friendship._

_All he did was nibble on a chocolate bar while staring blankly at my paused game. _

_Fuck, Mello._

_What have you done?_

* * *

_That night, I managed to stay up late, without caffeine, without video games, and without nicotine. It's a fucking miracle, all I did was lay there and think. I can't sleep. How can I? I have a few things bothering my head tonight. _

_How can it be love? I mean, we're both straight! What happened to those girls he used to screw on a regular basis? All those one night stands? Me sleeping somewhere else whenever our room is locked and all I can hear is a girl's ohh's and ahh's from behind the door? I mean, c'mon!_

_Plus, we're both Catholic. He even prayed the rosary on a regular basis, it was even his fucking lucky charm! The priest says faggots will burn in hell along with abortionists and murderers! Isn't he afraid of God?_

_What will the people say when they find out? I chewed at the end of my deadbeat pillow as I envision the whole school population whispering and pointing fingers at our directions. Mello being bullied is a joke. He's the big, bad bully anyway. Still, me in all my dorky glory will never be able to handle gossips. If my best friend's gay, chances are, I'll be labeled as a faggot too! I already have a shitty high school, please. Let this be different in college!_

_That night, I decided I should nip this to the bud._

* * *

Contrary to what most people know, I'm not courting Misa. Despite being a cute blonde bombshell and all, she's too stupid and social for my taste. I'd prefer someone less noisy and more brainy. I was sweet to her, of course, but that's just because I know she had a crush on me after I helped her delete a minor virus on her laptop. I'm a guy, I keep my options open.

But the next day, after Mello confessed to me, I made up my mind to date Misa or any girl as well. Anyone to stamp me with a 'hello, I'm straight' mark right above the forehead.

I texted her, skipped school to go to her place, fucked her and done. She's my girlfriend.

Even better, she offered me to stay at her condo unit right next to school. I hugged her and bit her pierced ears as a thank you. The sheets was silk and the room smells like antiseptic instead of chocolate, so different from what had been my home for a year. But hey, I just had to get used to it. Moving out seems like the logical thing to do. Maybe when I'm out and all, Mello will realize he's just mistaken.

It's not love, it's just weird bromance-y affection he developed from being around me all the time.

_It's not love right? Even if your heart beats so fast and it feels just so right to have him beside you. It's not love even if you have the silent urges to just ran your fingers through his tresses, or if you think his eyes is just so pretty... _

_I have those awkward feelings too, and I know it's not love. _

_Right?_

I immediately contacted Near, a school mate who was looking for a vacant place in our dorm. I met him through Misa and he wanted to move in to our more spacious

and less expensive place. There, now Mello wouldn't have a problem with the bills. I drove my Camaro*, packed my few possessions and moved out.

Mello was left gaping behind that chipping, wooden door, but I know this is for the best.

* * *

This all happened a few months ago. For a moment, I was neutral, a bit excited with my new surroundings although Misa is a horrible cook. I managed to fit my video games in a non-cluttered way, and I had plenty of sex. I can't smoke inside the building, so I do it on the rooftop. Misa likes talking about Tyra Banks and Justin Bieber, so there's no stimulating conversation for me. Mello was my only friend, but I supposed that's out of my options.

He looked like shit at the first month I left him. The bags under his eyes was prominent, his skin was dry and he can't even look at me in the eye. I was so guilty, but like the loser that I am, I was stunted and couldn't do a thing about it.

Second month, he was back to normal, no! Even better than before. His skin was shiny and smooth, and there's a lingering smile on his face. I noticed how social he became, and he got along well with his new roomie. They even went out for dinners on the nearby pizza parlor where Misa and I eat whenever she burns our dinner. They always order extra meat pepperoni and pineapple juice, and whenever they talk, I can hear Mello's chuckles like an echo.

"Oh, that's Near, by the way." Misa waved to their direction and the pair waved back. "Did you know? He's number one at Trestine's criminology department."

I almost choked on my vegetarian pizza (Misa insists on low calorie diet). It's Nate River. I know him, he's like Mello's nonexistent rival. Rumor has it that the guy only shows up during examinations and important tests, doesn't even bother to attend lectures and yet he's still number one. For Mello, a study freak, that's just stupid.

"I'll take that bastard down," I remember him say between bites of chocolate while trying to beat me in my game. "You'll see, the power of hard work!"

"And," My eyes darted to glance at their direction, only to be shocked when the albino freak wiped the ketchup with a tissue from the side of Mello's mouth. "-they're getting along?"

What's that pang in my chest?

"Hell yeah!" my girlfriend squealed delightfully and clapped her dainty hands, before leaning closer. "I think they're really, really close. Even more than friends."

"B-best friends?" I croaked out nervously, trying real hard to keep a straight face. By this time, I already lost my appetite.

It can't be, right?

I mean, Mello wouldn't just replace me. We've been friends since our elementary days, and we're basically soul brothers.

He wouldn't replace me with a complete stranger.

**Right**?

"Oh, Mattie! You are so cutely naive!"

_What the hell, Mello... _

_I thought I was your best friend, the guy you're having bromance-y feelings for. _

**_Who is this Near to steal you away just like that?_**

* * *

Misa had a girl's night out, so I was left at home with my games and junk food. Instead of the usual potato couching, I grabbed my coat and went out, intending to talk to Mello about this.

I couldn't understand myself. Try as I may to believe that it's none of my business, I still can't leave out the fact that I want to know where I stand now.

Has Mello found a new guy to entertain himself with? Did that Near buy him chocolates at 3 am just on a whim like I used to? Did they play games, or talk about politics, or laugh about stereotypes?

Did he confessed his love to Near as well?

**Text message:**

**Mello, we need to talk. Meet me at the convenience store. **

I pressed send and waited, a bottle of red bull at hand as I sat by the hood of my cherry red car.

After 45 minutes, Mello appeared. He donned his usual leather pants and black T-shirt, and I noticed a thin silver bracelet on his left wrist.

Other than that, this was the same Mello I know.

I can feel butterflies churning inside my stomach as I greeted him with a casual 'hi'. He raised an eyebrow and nodded in acknowledgement, before coldly asking:

"What?"

The pang in my chest was foreign as I hear that monosyllabic greeting. I kinda regret being here now. I mean, what is it that I need?

A reassurance?

A fucking promise that I would be his only best friend?

_Isn't that too selfish?_

"Nothing much," I coolly answered before avoiding his gaze and staring into the star. "Just wanna see how you're doing."

"I'm fine. Can I go now? I have an algebra test tomorrow and I don't want Near beating me to the number one spot for the nth time."

I sighed quietly. I just want to ask about Nate River, right? Why is this so hard?

"Mels, I-" I started, intending to look into his eyes for good measure. What caught my eye, however, wasn't his eyes. It was his neck.

"Mello... W-what is this? Where the hell did you get this?" my finger moved on its own accord. I touched the base of his neck, and he flinched.

It was a tiny, shallow bite mark. A human bite mark.

"Shit." I heard him murmur. At this point, I felt I've seen black. I grabbed his wrist and looked at the bracelet. Engraved in its plate is a 'Near' written in cursive.

_It wasn't love right?_

_When all you want is to see him, everyday... _

_When you regret not being able to stay... _

_It's not love if you're both guys... _

**_But why the fuck does it hurt?_**

"Fuck... Fuck... Fuck!" I yelled at this point, my hands automatically punched the hood of my car as release. "Seriously, Mihael? You're turning to Nate fucking River after me? What kind of a joke is this?! Was it a game, huh? You can't get me, so you turn to him?! That's it, isn't it!"

_I'm losing myself... _

_Why am I so upset?_

"Shut the fuck up, Matt!" I felt him shove me against my car, his blue eyes flaming as he glared at me with pure hatred. "You have no idea how about our relationship so why do you care? This isn't your business."

Grabbing his chin, I tilted his head and looked him in the eye. I have no idea? Is this my choice to be so ignorant about them? "Well excuse me for not knowing that my best friend was a slut! Did he suck you off? Did you enter his cute gay hole?"

I staggered to the pavement as his fist collided with my jaw and I tasted metal liquid. My mouth bled from being cut with my own teeth, but that can wait later.

_Show me, Mello. _

_Show me that fire. _

"Don't you dare talk shit about my boyfriend, dork. Near was a virgin, unlike that whore you're living with!"

"Are you jealous? Are you jealous that the whore was able get a taste of me?" I smirked widely, trying to taunt him, to stir him from his control.

**Just like the way he made me lose mine. **

Mello shook his head, looking at me with narrow pupils as if I lost my mind.

**_Perhaps I did. _**

"You're pathetic. Leave us alone. I have nothing to do with you from now on." he spat on the sidewalk, looked at me like I'm trash, them walked away.

_Where is that gentle voice that seemed to get to my very soul?_

_That hot look in his eyes whenever he meet my stare?_

_Where is that love I've seen but denied?_

_No, wait!_

_Mello_!

I found myself running after him, my hands clutching the hem of his shirt as I clung desperately to him. I feel so pathetic, so sad and so empty right now. My eyes warmed up, and I can feel my own tears threatening to fall.

"No, no... wait Mels... I'm sorry! Just please, listen to me!"

"What!?"

"D-don't you love m-me?" I sobbed and sniffed like a child. This is so messed up, this is so not me. But do I have a choice at this point?

I know what I want now.

_I want Mello to love me._

_Just me!_

If swallowing my pride and manhood is all that it takes, then I'll do it again hundred times over.

He looked at me gently, just like back in the days when we were kids and I used to cry when bullies steal my toys. He was my big, reliable buddy. My only friend.

_My Mello_.

"God, Matt..." He knelt to my level and wiped my tears with his hand, I even felt the silver grazing my cheeks. "I did, Mattie. I did loved you..."

My heart just stopped.

"No, no, no! Mello! Y-you said you love me! You can't just take it back!" I took a fistful of his shirt and shook my head in denial. "Please! Just tell me what you want, what you need! I'll do anything, just fucking please take me back!"

"No, Matt. Just listen." I felt his fingers untangling my grasps on his clothes. He pulled away and stood up, not bothering to help me up.

"I loved you at my best. But you see, Near was there at my worst. I'll always be here for you, you know that. That's why you thought you love me, right? Because you're afraid to lose me?"

Even without looking up, I can tell he's smiling gently. It makes me sick. The memory of that fucking white midget makes him smile. That is disgusting...

"But Near is there when I have no one else left. That kind of love is something I wouldn't compromise Mattie."

His booted feet stepped away from me slowly, slowly, and all that I can do is just tear up, wish that this is all just a bad dream...

"I loved you, and your smile, and your personality, and your unpredictability... but I love Near because he loves me for me.

Goodbye, Matt. I hope you'll find the right one for you, and who knows?

Maybe we'll be best friends again."

He's going away, faster, and faster. I'm losing him...

_Maybe it isn't love?_

_Even if all I want right now is to feel his embrace, to be comforted by him, and to know that I'll always be his one and only... _

_Maybe it's not love..._

"Then kiss me," I said, just loud enough for him to hear. He paused and looked back at me, eyes wide as if he can't believe what I said.

"Give me some closure, Mello." I gathered my strength to stand up, as well as to raise my head to look at him eye to eye.

**"Kiss me and tell me you don't love me."**


End file.
